Start Today Journal 4.17.2020

Gratitude:

1. Hope.
2. A home where I feel safe.
3. New recipes.
4. The chance to create a space that feels like my own.

10 Dreams (if they came true, you would be your future dream self):
Write them as if they have already happened. All of the things that would be true 10 years from now, when you're your future best self.

1. I have $100,000 dollars in the bank. 
2. I have created a minimalistic lifestyle.
3. I have a happy, supportive, loving marriage.
4. I have a dedicated self care routine.
5. I have no debt.
6. I have fully paid off my house and car.
7. I have money saved for my children to go to college. 

10 Dreams You're Going to Commit to in order to become your dream self:

1. Need more clarification.

1 Goal

Becomes a goal when you actively start to pursue it. What is the 1 goal out of the 10 you identified you can work on this quarter. Need clarity on what are the specifics and how will you measure your progress.

1. Need more clarification.

Start Today Journal 4.15.2020

Gratitude:

1. Phone calls with Grandma Charlene.
2. Strong family support.
3. Videochatting with friends.
4. A supportive supervisor.

10 Dreams (if they came true, you would be your future dream self):
Write them as if they have already happened. All of the things that would be true 10 years from now, when you're your future best self.

1. I have $100,000 dollars in the bank. 
2. I have created a minimalistic lifestyle.
3. I have a happy, supportive, loving marriage.
4. I take time for self care.

10 Dreams You're Going to Commit to in order to become your dream self:

1. Unsure of criteria. Need to listen to podcast again.

1 Goal

Becomes a goal when you actively start to pursue it. What is the 1 goal out of the 10 you identified you can work on this quarter. Need clarity on what are the specifics and how will you measure your progress.

1. Unsure of criteria. Need to listen to podcast again.

Gratitude Journal 4.14.2020

Today, I am grateful for:

• My consistency.
• I haven't looked at or opened this blog in approximately 5 years and yet, my goals and focus remain the same. 
• My new home.
• The option to telework and be safer at home.

we're nothing but guests upon this earth.

we should be leaving it better than we found it, but instead we're destroying it day in and day out. there's so much that we've done to this place that we can't undo. the least we can do is try and reduce the damage we're causing. i recently watched The 11th Hour which is a documentary about the earth and what we've done/are doing to it. and i don't think enough people realize that all natural disasters are probably caused by the imbalance we've caused with nature by destroying forests, contaminating lakes and oceans, depleting natural resources, and more for our own selfish causes. did you know a tree can hold 57,000 gallons of water during a flood? and that it would cost billions of dollars to create what nature gives us? we're killing what sustains us.

mission accomplished.

today was expected to be very stressful but turned out to be quite pleasant for reasons other than the amazing weather! today, i had an experimental psychology exam that i didn't feel prepared for and let me explain why.

first of all, teachers at Madison assign incomprehensible amounts of literature, in addition to class attendance and assignments, that is comprised of chapters from the textbook, news articles, podcasts, and more (i don't know if podcasts really count as literature but they're going in that category for now). and although i'd like to keep up with all of this literature, assignments come first because they are graded and the teacher will always know when you didn't do an assignment whereas they probably won't know if you don't do the readings. because of this, the assignments get done and the readings pile up until exam time where it becomes insurmountable. for some classes this is okay but in others the exams are half comprised of information from the book that wasn't even mentioned in lecture.

okay, so now that you understand that, i can explain why i was so stressed out for this exam. although i went to every lecture, discussion, and lab and did every assignment, i had not done the readings. to make matters worse, in order to catch up i'd have to read four chapters from the textbook and 50 pages from our course reader which adds up to over 120 pages total. do you think i could read that many pages over a weekend as well as do assignments for my five classes? hell no. so i started going over the study guide for the past two days instead of reading 120 pages. that, of course, made me nervous because she could ask for something in the exam that wasn't listed on the study guide but was in the readings. oh, and this exam was supposed to have a lot of statistics in it and i had taken a life sciences statistics course, not the psychology one. they are remarkably different, believe me. i filled in that study guide with every free moment i had monday and today. when it came to exam time i still didn't feel ready. i saw all the people cramming right before exams were handed out but i just sat there because i had accepted the fact that there was nothing more i could do. and it began. surprisingly enough, almost nothing that was on that study guide was directly on the exam. almost all of it was from lecture and i was so relieved that i could've cried. i mean, this still doesn't mean i did well; i tend to psych myself out (no pun intended) and change my original answer to a different one when my original answer was correct, unfortunately. but just knowing that i was 100% on some of the answers made me feel better.

but the REAL success of today was finding a replacement for my discontinued brand of chapstick. i bought four different brands and eight different flavors to try out before deciding on the winner. i bought soft lips, aquafina (evidently they make chapstick in addition to bottled water), chapstick, and eos. i knew from the beginning that i wasn't a fan of mint or cherry chapstick, no matter the brand, so i avoided that. but i discovered that there is only one brand that makes watermelon chapstick and it's lipsmackers. the problem with their watermelon chapstick is that it is both too thick and goes over the top with the flavor. it's gets to a point where it's actually a flavor and not a scent anymore. i tried every chapstick i bought and came to a solid conclusion. the winner is eos. followed closely by soft lips, then aquafina, and in last place, chapstick. eos has the proper texture and flavor in a creative container (it's egg shaped!). soft lips also had a good texture and flavor but the stick had a small diameter. aquafina's flavors were not very good and didn't really smell like the described flavor but the texture was very similar to that of soft lips. and lastly chapstick. it was WAY too thick. i felt like i had overloaded after barely putting any on. now the only decision left is honeysuckle honeydew or summer fruit? they're both really unique flavors that are not overbearing and are pleasant. so i'll use both! :]



now that i've thoroughly freaked everyone out by making such a huge deal out of choosing a chapstick, i think i'll do some research on the mere-exposure effect for the study i'm going to conduct in a few weeks or, you know, add life events to my facebook. :P

so much more than march third.

as most of you know, yesterday was march third. but what most of you probably didn't realize is that it was a combination of two of my favorite fake holidays about two of my favorite things! and i bet you're dying to know what they are too. so, i'll tell you. being that the date yesterday was 3/03, my favorite band, 3OH!3, decided to dub it their holiday and have hourly specials which included shirts on sale for $3.03. and that made me incredibly happy. i bought two. and one glows in the dark. in addition to incredibly low priced t-shirts, they auctioned off several one of a kind items (such as shirts they've worn during concerts and their actual backstage passes for past events) and gave the proceeds to an epilepsy foundation in colorado, where they originated. i thought it was both clever and thoughtful of them to use march 3rd to benefit others as well as themselves.

also, disney made the first saturday in march platypus day. yes, i know that phineas and ferb isn't meant for people over the age of fourteen most likely but i don't care! i'm a child at heart and i will love phineas and ferb if i want to. so yes, yesterday i also celebrated the existence of perry the platypus. for those of you who do not know who perry the platypus is, he is the pet platypus of two step-brothers (phineas and ferb) from danville who is also a secret agent and wears a fedora (but only when he's doing secret agent things). how cool is that? he even has a nemesis, dr. doofenshmirtz. although perry is awesome, i did not buy any perry products. this was mostly because i already have a blanket, plush toy, hat, and a t-shirt. the real reason that i didn't buy anything was probably because disney wasn't having any special sales that i was aware of.

so overall, yesterday was pretty great. i celebrated two of my favorite things, listened to every 3OH!3 song i've ever heard of, had a fat badger from fat sandwich company, made dirt cake, and watched superstar with my best friends. for those of you poor souls who have yet to experience the wonders of 3OH!3, phineas and ferb or perry the platypus, superstar, or fat sandwich, i invite you to click any of those links so you can begin to realize how great my day was. or, you know, how much of a dork i am. :] either way, enjoy! i know i did.

time.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

it just keeps going. no matter what.

and it will never stop.

one prime example i can think of is how people remember specifically where they were when certain events took place. this is also known as flashbulb memory. most older adults say they can remember exactly what they were doing when Kennedy was assassinated or when the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. but for those of us in school we were forced to just continue our lives believing that whatever we were doing was the most important thing going on at that time and life just went on. no one took us aside and let us really understand that gravity of what had just happened. we were expected to do our homework and act like everything was fine. and i attribute the fact that i can't even remember what grade i was in properly to us being forced to just continue like it was just another day and nothing catastrophic had occurred. i just had to calculate it out and i was in fourth grade but for some reason i remember my sixth grade teacher telling our class what happened in about fifteen minutes and then going back to class. so there you go, i don't remember september 11th, 2001.


why do people do this to us? we all need a proper mourning period. THEN we can get on with our lives and try to keep busy; not seconds after the fact. it's hard enough trying to deal with the situation without everything going on like one second isn't any different from the last. but that's the thing. one second really isn't any different from the last one that took place or the next one to take place. one person's world could be ending and another just beginning but to the universe it means nothing. 


and time just keeps going.

rainfresh.

since 2007 (my sophomore year of high school) i have been using the exact same brand and flavor of chapstick. rainfresh crazy flavors watermelon lip balm. i recently discovered that the store that sold it has discontinued all of their chapstick. i was heart broken. actually, i still am because i just found out this past weekend. and i know it may not seem like a big deal. "oh man. you have to change your chapstick brand. big whoop." but it kind of became a staple of my daily life. in high school i'd be in class, use my chapstick and you'd hear, "ooh, who has watermelon *insert lotion, gum, hand sanitizer or other scented object here*?" and one of my best friends would turn to me because they knew i had just used my chapstick. i'd smile and they'd respond, "no, that's just allison's chapstick!"  it's just something that i'm kind of known for; always having watermelon chapstick. i use no other kind and always have it on me. i realized about a month ago that i have strategically placed watermelon chapstick throughout my life so that whether i'm at my desk, in my bed, going to class, or just out for fun, i have watermelon chapstick at the ready. for example, there's one in my backpack, my makeup bag on my desk, my purse, and on the mini-fridge next to my bed. i am completely surrounded but my supply is dwindling. obviously i'm going to have to find another brand and possibly flavor of chapstick to replace my old faithful one that has been at my side through thick and thin! so i am now i am on a mission to discover the next best thing to my precious watermelon chapstick.

and just in case this post hadn't led you to this conclusion, i don't like change unless/until i realize it may lead to something better.

books.

books i want to read this summer:

• incognito- david eagleman
• twilight- stephenie meyer.
• new moon- stephenie meyer.
• eclipse- stephenie meyer.
• breaking dawn- stephenie meyer.
• birdman- mo hayder.
• the treatment- mo hayder.
• ritual- mo hayder.
• skin- mo hayder.
• gone- mo hayder.
• the devil of nanking- mo hayder.
• pig island- mo hayder.
• hanging hill- mo hayder.
• the hunger games-suzanne collins.
• catching fire-suzanne collins.
• mockingjay-suzanne collins.
• the definitive book of body language.
• the poor man's polygraph.
• psychological narrative analysis: a professional method to detect deception in verbal and oral communications.
• catch a liar.
• instant persuasian: how to change your words to change your life.

if you have any suggestions, let me know!

the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

we all know that there are different levels of truth telling. whether it be telling half-truths or just telling a "little white lie" to preserve someone's feelings. where do we draw the line?


i do about everything i can to be as honest as i can with everyone. if you ask me anything, i'll most likely be honest with you. whether or not you take my response as honesty is up to you. when i talk, just about everything could come off as sarcastic, but that's just the speech pattern.


but anyways, if someone asks you how something looks on them are you going to tell them that it looks good no matter what? i used to do that. but then i realized that if i ask someone that question, i want a complete and honest answer. i don't want to go out looking a mess because no one told me what i was wearing made me look fat. who wants to go out looking like the pillsbury dough boy trying to fit into jeans/a dress/ a shirt that's two sizes too small? if i ask someone a question, i want the honest answer. i'm not asking you something with the idea that you're going to lie to me and tell me what you think i want to hear. what would be the point of that? exactly, there isn't one.

a new year, a new beginning.

this year started out pretty bad. i was deeply depressed and would do anything to be with my recent ex-boyfriend even though he was doing anything he could to be with the girl he had cheated on me with. what a horrible start to a year. 


while everyone is right about how we shouldn't wait until the new year to make goals and get them accomplished, it's good that everyone gets really motivated at least once a year. and even though this year started out not so good, it's ending very very well. i have a boyfriend who loves me beyond comprehension, i'm happier than i've been in a really long time, i'm spending new year's with my uncle and grandma in florida, i'm living in a luxury apartment for three weeks, and everything just seems so right. i do miss my boyfriend, stephen, and wish that he were here for me to kiss at midnight, and just spend time with in general but i know that we'll be okay and that we'll both enjoy ourselves tonight and i'll be sure to send him a kiss at midnight since i can't be there. it just really feels like everything is going to be okay from now on. and i couldn't be happier about it.


my new year's resolutions include:

• lose ten pounds.
• read more books.
• let people know that i love and appreciate them.
• give more compliments.
• do one thing every day that makes me happy.
• don't drink soda or drinks with calories.
• get grades that i'm proud of.
• work hard.
• do more for other people.
• save more money than i spend.
• use my credit card much less.
• get my tattoo.
• go to the family cabin with stephen.

conflicted.

what is wrong with me? i feel like i'm incapable of learning anymore; even if i want to. i want to have grades i can be proud of and i try to study but i just feel like i don't have the motivation or that i'll just be disappointed when i try really hard and don't do well because, for whatever reason, no matter how hard i try, i can't get better than a C. and i really do want to do better but i think the fact that i don't know what i want to be when i grow up is really affecting how hard i'm trying in school. like if i had a goal to pursue, would i try harder? if i knew that i had to get certain grades to get into a major that i really wanted, would that motivate me or am i just hopeless? because all i can see myself being in the future is a wife and mother. i want to make someone else genuinely happy just by being myself. that's it.


i just want to be happy. why is that so difficult for everyone else to understand?

originality.

i try to be myself as often as possible. preferably, all the time. but then i wonder how many other people are just like me, whether it's in my habits or thoughts. how many people are there that are very similar to me? even if i am one in a million, there are more than a million people on this earth, right? 

i feel like i worry too much about what other people think of me and i end up not doing what i think would be fun or just not buying things i like because i'm afraid of the criticism i'd get. i think we all need to be more accepting of people in a lot of ways so that we're allowed to be ourselves and not feel judged. i think that would really bring out more originality in the world. and as of right now, i'm going to do just that. i'm going to do what i like, what i think is fun, what i believe is right, what i need to do for myself without caring what other people think of me. and i'm gonna stop judging people so harshly too. it isn't fair to the people i judge by their looks or to me; i could be missing out on someone really great. and i'm not going to care what people are thinking about what i do/wear because i'm doing it to make myself happy. not for anyone else. 

religion.

"God is love"

in my opinion, that quote is unbelievably true. the love we feel for ourselves, others, and the world around us is God. there is no better way to explain it. it took me a long time to fully realize this. when you feel happiness from volunteering, helping other people or just making someone else happy, that genuine happiness from doing something good, is God.


i don't really believe in organized religion. no one really knows what happened that long ago or how the earth was created. most people just choose to believe the first thing they're told. this is most likely due to the fact that most people believe in the religion that they do solely because that's the way they were raised. their parents were catholic, so they were raised catholic and raised their own kids the same way. they've just never been exposed to any other religion or been allowed to choose for themselves. so who are we to criticize another religion? just because we understand our religion better and were raised to believe it doesn't make it better than anyone else's. 


and honestly? every religion has the same take home messages. you should love one another no matter what, forgive those who have hurt you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Zoroastrianism all have this as part of their core teachings, as does practically every other religion. all religions tell us to be the best person we can be and to love one another. i believe all religions are part of one big picture. when we show this love to our fellow human beings we are truly with god because god is love and therefore he is within every one of us. 

showing love to everyone around us leads to peace with each other and within ourselves. violence doesn't solve violence. have you ever noticed that? if someone is angry and violent, being violent in return just leads to more violence. showing compassion, love, and forgiveness towards violence is what leads to peace. anger is considered a sickness in some religions and when someone's sick would you ever consider treating them with anger and violence? no, you'd show them love and try to help them get better. no, i'm not saying that people shouldn't be "punished" for what they do out of anger and violence but an interesting point was brought up in a religious discussion: being in jail is about protection, not necessarily punishment. it's about protecting people that could be harmed because of the prisoner, and protecting the prisoner from himself.

my point is, i don't believe in organized religion. no two people believe the exact same thing about God or Jesus or what actually happened thousands of years ago but what we all know is that love is what makes people happy and what keeps us being good fellow human beings so if we all just realize this and embrace it, life could be more pleasant for everyone.