a new year, a new beginning.

this year started out pretty bad. i was deeply depressed and would do anything to be with my recent ex-boyfriend even though he was doing anything he could to be with the girl he had cheated on me with. what a horrible start to a year. 


while everyone is right about how we shouldn't wait until the new year to make goals and get them accomplished, it's good that everyone gets really motivated at least once a year. and even though this year started out not so good, it's ending very very well. i have a boyfriend who loves me beyond comprehension, i'm happier than i've been in a really long time, i'm spending new year's with my uncle and grandma in florida, i'm living in a luxury apartment for three weeks, and everything just seems so right. i do miss my boyfriend, stephen, and wish that he were here for me to kiss at midnight, and just spend time with in general but i know that we'll be okay and that we'll both enjoy ourselves tonight and i'll be sure to send him a kiss at midnight since i can't be there. it just really feels like everything is going to be okay from now on. and i couldn't be happier about it.


my new year's resolutions include:

• lose ten pounds.
• read more books.
• let people know that i love and appreciate them.
• give more compliments.
• do one thing every day that makes me happy.
• don't drink soda or drinks with calories.
• get grades that i'm proud of.
• work hard.
• do more for other people.
• save more money than i spend.
• use my credit card much less.
• get my tattoo.
• go to the family cabin with stephen.

conflicted.

what is wrong with me? i feel like i'm incapable of learning anymore; even if i want to. i want to have grades i can be proud of and i try to study but i just feel like i don't have the motivation or that i'll just be disappointed when i try really hard and don't do well because, for whatever reason, no matter how hard i try, i can't get better than a C. and i really do want to do better but i think the fact that i don't know what i want to be when i grow up is really affecting how hard i'm trying in school. like if i had a goal to pursue, would i try harder? if i knew that i had to get certain grades to get into a major that i really wanted, would that motivate me or am i just hopeless? because all i can see myself being in the future is a wife and mother. i want to make someone else genuinely happy just by being myself. that's it.


i just want to be happy. why is that so difficult for everyone else to understand?

originality.

i try to be myself as often as possible. preferably, all the time. but then i wonder how many other people are just like me, whether it's in my habits or thoughts. how many people are there that are very similar to me? even if i am one in a million, there are more than a million people on this earth, right? 

i feel like i worry too much about what other people think of me and i end up not doing what i think would be fun or just not buying things i like because i'm afraid of the criticism i'd get. i think we all need to be more accepting of people in a lot of ways so that we're allowed to be ourselves and not feel judged. i think that would really bring out more originality in the world. and as of right now, i'm going to do just that. i'm going to do what i like, what i think is fun, what i believe is right, what i need to do for myself without caring what other people think of me. and i'm gonna stop judging people so harshly too. it isn't fair to the people i judge by their looks or to me; i could be missing out on someone really great. and i'm not going to care what people are thinking about what i do/wear because i'm doing it to make myself happy. not for anyone else. 

religion.

"God is love"

in my opinion, that quote is unbelievably true. the love we feel for ourselves, others, and the world around us is God. there is no better way to explain it. it took me a long time to fully realize this. when you feel happiness from volunteering, helping other people or just making someone else happy, that genuine happiness from doing something good, is God.


i don't really believe in organized religion. no one really knows what happened that long ago or how the earth was created. most people just choose to believe the first thing they're told. this is most likely due to the fact that most people believe in the religion that they do solely because that's the way they were raised. their parents were catholic, so they were raised catholic and raised their own kids the same way. they've just never been exposed to any other religion or been allowed to choose for themselves. so who are we to criticize another religion? just because we understand our religion better and were raised to believe it doesn't make it better than anyone else's. 


and honestly? every religion has the same take home messages. you should love one another no matter what, forgive those who have hurt you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Zoroastrianism all have this as part of their core teachings, as does practically every other religion. all religions tell us to be the best person we can be and to love one another. i believe all religions are part of one big picture. when we show this love to our fellow human beings we are truly with god because god is love and therefore he is within every one of us. 

showing love to everyone around us leads to peace with each other and within ourselves. violence doesn't solve violence. have you ever noticed that? if someone is angry and violent, being violent in return just leads to more violence. showing compassion, love, and forgiveness towards violence is what leads to peace. anger is considered a sickness in some religions and when someone's sick would you ever consider treating them with anger and violence? no, you'd show them love and try to help them get better. no, i'm not saying that people shouldn't be "punished" for what they do out of anger and violence but an interesting point was brought up in a religious discussion: being in jail is about protection, not necessarily punishment. it's about protecting people that could be harmed because of the prisoner, and protecting the prisoner from himself.

my point is, i don't believe in organized religion. no two people believe the exact same thing about God or Jesus or what actually happened thousands of years ago but what we all know is that love is what makes people happy and what keeps us being good fellow human beings so if we all just realize this and embrace it, life could be more pleasant for everyone.